A reader from Princeton sent me these sayings and asked me to pass them on to you.
I get to choose whatever my wife picks out for me.
Bright people should get an extra day off to compensate for all the time they waste on morons.
It’s a good thing that global warming doesn’t apply to rich people.
Women are more concerned with the bulge in a man’s wallet.
Creativity and insanity: seeing things that aren’t there.
It’s scary when you see two sobriety checkpoints side by side.
It’s not what they say; it’s what they hear.
If man could create the perfect woman, he’d probably cheat on her.
Food tastes better when someone else makes it.
It’s getting harder to tell the mannequins from the dummies.
If Nature wanted us to be thin, food wouldn’t taste so good.
The only problem with leaving a relationship is that you take yourself with you.
Every new outfit grows up to be laundry.
The traffic’s always lighter in someone else’s lane.
The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people understand.
If you must explain it, it ain’t funny.
Dieting is mind over matter.
If you think you’re too small to make a difference, you haven’t been in bed with a mosquito.
A mortician was messing around with his new crematory. He goofed up and made a complete ash of himself.
The joys of teaching are boundless, especially at exam time. The following questions and answers were collated by educators after they graded their students’ test papers:
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink, because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A. The body is consisted into three parts—the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q. What is a fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does “varicose” mean?
Q. Give an example of fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q. Identify and explain the contributions of Queen Victoria.
A. She was a woman who sat on a thorn for 63 years, and her death was the final event which ended her reign.
Some biblical history: Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Ancient history: Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns—Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered, because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History call people Romans, because they never stayed in one place for very long.
The Ides of March killed Caesar, because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing his fiddle to them.
Top o’ the morning!