A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went something like this:
Attorney: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
Officer: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
D.A.: Officer, who provided this description?
Officer: The officer who responded to the scene.
D.A.: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
Officer: Yes sir, with my life.
D.A.: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a locker room in the police station—a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
Officer: Yes sir, we do.
D.A.: And do you have a locker in that room?
Officer: Yes sir, I do.
D.A.: And do you have a lock on your locker?
Officer: Yes sir.
D.A.: No why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
Officer: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
(A prompt recess was called.)
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Even though I try never to discuss politics, fearing that it might offend a liberal extremist, I must admit that some of the late-night comedians manage to come up with something to laugh about.
“Congress is passing legislation now for commercial airline pilots to carry guns, but for safety, they must keep them locked up in the cockpit liquor cabinet.” –David Letterman
“Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s the bad news—they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they must drop it with a camel.” –Letterman
“The big rumor now in Washington is that the next time the U.S. decides to invade a country what we should do is take the CEO’s of Enron, WorldCom, and Adelphia, drop them in and let them have at the infrastructure. Within a few days, the country will be ruined.” –Jay Leno
“Germany refused to go along with an invasion of Iraq. However, they did say they would go along if the invasion included Poland, France, and Belgium.” –Leno
“Don’t count Ohio Congressman James Traficant out yet—though he was disgraced and expelled from Congress for bribery, extortion, and tax evasion. He said he’s going to run from prison. When you think about it, it’s about the best place to put together a political team. Look at who you’ve got in there, fellow politicians, corporate executives, legal advisors, financial geniuses; it’s just like the outside.” –Leno
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Great Expectations:
On the first day of school, a teacher was glancing over the roll when she noticed a number after each student’s name, such as 154, 136 or 142.
“Wow! Look at these IQs,” she said to herself. “What a terrific class.” The teacher promptly determined to work harder with this class than with any other she ever had.
Throughout the year, she came up with innovative lessons that she thought would challenge the students, because she didn’t want them to get bored with work that was too easy.
Her plan worked. The class outperformed all the other classes that she taught in the usual way.
Then, during the last quarter of the year, she discovered that those numbers after the students’ names really were their locker numbers.
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Culture Shock
Our culture has changed.
It’s changed from one in which it was hard to get information about sexuality to one in which it’s impossible to escape information about sexuality.
In the 1950s, a married couple on TV had to be shown sleeping in twin beds because a double bed was too suggestive.
Now, anything can be discussed on TV—even the taboo topics that your parents only hinted and nodded about.
Commercials and talk shows are transformed into repositories of risqué and ribald images of the American dream on Viagra.
Some parents live in perpetual fear that their children are being exposed to a distorted picture of reality.
Glitzy girls in silky underpants have supplanted stellar cowboy icons. Romance has been altered to ensure higher ratings.
In the fifties, people met, argued, fell in love, then kissed.
By the seventies, people met, argued, fell in love, and then had sex.
After the nineties, people in films met, had sex, argued, and then maybe fell in love.
And if you’ve noticed, Hollywood lovers don’t discuss birth control or past sexual histories; they just hop into the sack together.
Things that shocked us in the fifties make us yawn now.
The world has morphed into a totally different planet since people blushed at the term “chicken breast.”
We live in a global village where intimacy has been shanghaied by the camera and no one blushes at anything.
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Top of the morning!
