A young man was receiving some hardheaded advice from an uncle the other day at a local restaurant.
The older gentleman declared: “Yes, Tommy, fools are certain; wise men hesitate.”
“Are you sure, Uncle Bob?” Tommy asked.
The uncle replied, “Yes, my boy, I’m certain of it.”
—
A four-year-old boy named Bobby was stroking his cat before the fireplace in perfect content. The cat, also happy, began to purr loudly. Bobby gazed at her curiously for a moment, and then suddenly seized the cat by the tail and dragged her roughly from the hearth. His mother exclaimed, “You must not hurt your kitty, Bobby.”
“I’m not,” protested Bobby, “but I’ve got to get her away from the fire. She’s starting to boil.”
—
It was raining hard, and the other cars on the road were splashing mud onto the driver’s windshield so that it was almost impossible to see through it.
“Don’t you think you ought to put on the windshield wipers?” asked the frightened passenger.
“Wouldn’t do any good,” replied the driver. “I left my glasses at home, and I can’t see a thing anyway.”
—
Store owner: How can I stop people from talking about the low prices they paid in the good old days?
Clerk: Just act surprised and say you didn’t know they were old enough to remember when prices were that low.
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A friend observed the other day: “You know, the trouble with alarm clocks is they always go off when you’re asleep.”
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Two kindergarten children were planning an old game with a new twist: “Let’s play doctor. You operate, and I’ll sue.”
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Things are well evened up in this world. Other people’s troubles are never as bad as yours, but their children are a lot worse.”
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The doctor told his patient that he must eat more fruit, particularly the skin of the fruit. “The skin contains the most vitamins,” he said. “What is your favorite fruit?”
The patient answered glumly, “Coconuts.”
—
Some bits of wisdom worth contemplating:
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A government agency was conducting a Federal study of why prisoners try to escape. The bureau advertised that it was offering $50,000 for such a study.
A reader responded with a letter to the agency, saying he’d already made a study and found out the answer. “They try to escape,” he said, “because they want to get out. Please mail me the check.”
—
Gene: What happened to Roy’s hand?
Dale: He put it in a horse’s mouth to see how many teeth the horse had.
Gene: So, what did the horse do?
Dale: Shut his mouth to see how many fingers Roy had.
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Two caterpillars were crawling across the grass when a butterfly flew over them. They looked up, and one nudged the other and said: “You couldn’t get me to fly in one of those things for a million dollars!”
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A man who had just been promoted to vice-president boasted so much about it to his wife that she finally retorted: “Vice-presidents are a dime a dozen. Why, in the supermarket they even have a vice-president in charge of prunes.”
Furious, the husband phoned the supermarket in the expectation of refuting his wife. He asked to speak to the vice-president in charge of prunes.
“Which kind?” the clerk inquired. “Packaged or bulk?”
—
Top o’ the morning!
