It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
Did you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched, and dispatched.
The Lord created the world in six days and rested on the seventh. On the eighth day, He started answering complaints.
Quit griping about your church: if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong.
People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
It’s getting to the point that people are so tense and keyed up that it’s impossible even to put them to sleep with a sermon.
My grandfather used to say, “You must have a terribleconscience if you can’t sleep in church.”
The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: “…And in conclusion.”
If the church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying for the one it has.
The person who walks with God is happier than the one who rides in a limousine without Him.
Opportunity knocks only once, but temptation bangs on your door for years.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers.
Every evening, I turn all my problems over to God—He’s going to be up all night anyway.
Thursday night—Potluck Supper and medications to follow.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
And we give you thanks, O God, for people of many cultures and nations; for the young and old and muddle aged.
On March 16th, the prayer group met at the home of Margaret Ressler, who is no longer able to attend church. What a blessing!
Adult Forum: Beginning in November, Paster Hodges lead a six-part series on the book of Genesis. Were Adam and Eve naked in the garden? Come and see for yourself.
The Bible is clear: ‘Flee from sexual immortality.’
Funny flubs from student essays and exams:
Esau was a man who wrote fables and sold his copyright for a mess of potash.
Samson pulled down the pillows of the temple.
Joshua led the Hebrews in their victory in the battle of Geritol.
Solomon had 200 wives and 700 cucumbers.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak.
Shakespeare wrote his plays in Islamic pentameter.
In a slip of the tongue during a Sunday sermon, the pastor referred to a reading from Deuteronomy as a reading from Debauchery.
Four-year-old Tucker Jones attended Vacation Bible School at a local church. The theme was “Discipleship and saving Mother Earth.” His mother, Trish Jones, as Tucker what he had learned. He immediately told her about “Jesus and the 12 recycles.”
A five-year-old Grandson of a friend of mine was taken to church recently for the first time. On the way home, he asked, “If that is God’s house, how come there are cracks in the ceiling?”
Wrinkles add character to men, but women need facials.
That’s what I told my former teen-age students when they asked me: “Mr. B, did you ever NOT have wrinkles?”
“No, I was born with some of them, I’d say. The rest of them I got from you.”
“Wow! That’s the coolest!” they’d fire back.
I say wrinkles add character because—just think about it—Clint Eastwood made a fortune off his leathery features that resemble a Martian landscape. There’s even a studio lighting technique called “Clint Eastwood lighting,” which is lights placed on each side to emphasize wrinkles and crinkles on his features.
Dean Martin had crows’ feet around his dark eyes that enhanced his facial features even on the screen.
But wrinkles do not necessarily add character to the opposite sex.
That’s why women spend a lot of money on beauty treatments and skin lotions that slow the aging process. And since women often outlive their spouses 10 to 20 years, it’s a good idea to invest in practically any new treatment that offers a spark of allure.
Men, on the other hand, don’t usually make a fuss over their appearance after they pass age 40. That’s why I think men are generally happier and more amiable as they get older. Women often become cynical and critical in their later years (look at what wrinkles have done for politicians Nancy Pilosi and Hillary Clinton, just to name two examples).
Here are some reasons I think men seem happier than women:
-Your last name stays the same.
_The garage is all yours.
-Wedding plans take care of themselves.
-Chocolate is just another snack.
-Car mechanics tell you the truth.
-You can wear a white T-shirt to the water park.
-You don’t have to stop and think which way to turn a nut or a bolt.
-People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
-New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
-One mood—all the time—unless you are on prednisone.
-Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
-A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
-You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
-If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
-Your underwear is $8.85 for a three-pack.
-Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
-You almost never have strap problems in public.
-You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
-Everything on your face stays its original color.
-The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
-You only have to shave your face and neck.
-You can play with toys all your life.
-One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
-You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
-You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
-You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
-You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Dec. 24th in about 15 minutes.
-You never have to worry whether pants will be appropriate dress.
-You only need one soap source for a shower.
-You never have to wear socks because your legs aren’t tan.
-One pair of swimming trunks will last for years.
Ok, I can already feel the heat from some of the female readers who say the list is not fair.
So, if you think it’s unfair and you think you can come up with a list of why women are happier than, go ahead and send it to me.
Top o’ the morning!