Here are a few pearls of wisdom that might come in handy in the future:
If you’re open minded, your brains might fall out.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program, plan, option, or course of action.
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from Earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced died is a biscuit and a piece of chicken in each hand.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thou refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Nothing makes temptation so easy to resist as being broke.
If you walk backwards, you never stub your toe.
Those who are slowest in making promises are often the most faithful in keeping them.
Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
Try to watch a sunrise and a sunset at least twice a year.
Leave the toilet seat in the down position.
Never refuse homemade fudge or brownies.
Strive for excellence, not perfection.
Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
Compliment at least three people every day.
Plant a tree on your birthday.
Never waste a chance to tell someone you love them.
Leave everything a little better than you found it.
Keep it simple.
Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
Become the most enthusiastic person that you know.
Be forgiving of yourself and others.
Tip breakfast waitresses generously.
Avoid negative people. That includes teachers and principals.
Remember to say ‘thank you’ often when people do nice things for you.
Commit yourself to constant improvement.
Carry a jumper box in your trunk along with some spare tools.
Always present a firm handshake to men, a soft touch for women.
Send ‘thank you’ and ‘get well’ cards to the folks from church and your neighborhood. Sign them with your ‘well wishes.’
Be the first to say hello to neighbors and others who are less fortunate than you are.
Return all things that you borrow.
Make new friends but cherish the old ones.
Avoid gossips and rumor mongers.
Plant flowers every spring.
Always accept an outstretched hand, especially from a child.
Stop blaming others for your own mistakes and careless behavior. Take responsibility for your own life.
Always wave at children on school buses.
Be there when people need you.
Feed a stranger’s parking meter when you have an extra quarter or dime.
Don’t always expect life to be fair.
Never underestimate the power of love or prayer.
Don’t be afraid to say, ‘I don’t know.’
Always keep your promises, especially to children, no matter what.
Marry only for love, never for wealth or prestige.
Count your blessings, especially those that are late coming in life.
Miracles do happen, but mostly to those who believe in them.
Remember that all lives matter.
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
“Come on, man. I’m just giving you a hard time,” the biker says.
“I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“This is one of the worst days of my life,” says the little guy between sobs.
“I can’t do anything right.”
“I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. My wife ran off with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison I put in my drink.”
Top o’ the morning!