We received a witty letter the other day from one of our readers in North Carolina.
The former RaleighCounty woman says she reads LOOTPRESS.com on the Internet and enjoys the humor of our staff.
She sent me a list of actual Bona fide newspaper classified ads—not from our newspaper, of course, but interesting just the same.
▪ A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
▪ And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
▪ Auto Repair Service. Try us once and you’ll never go anywhere again.
▪ Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
▪ Dinner special—turkey $2.35; chicken or beef $2.25; children $2.00.
▪ Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.
▪ Extensive collection of Soviet military surplus for sale by newly independent republic. Wide selection of armor, jets, light naval vessels, and fissionable materials at bargain prices. All sales “as is,” lingering radiation on some items. Buyer pays delivery expenses.
▪ For Rent: Six-room hated apartment.
▪ For sale: a quilted highchair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
▪ For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
▪ For Sale—Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
▪ For Sale—Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.
▪ For sale by author, signed copies of my extensive 1,950-page expose of the Kennedy assassination and its connection to sunspot activity.
▪ For sale by owner, Encyclopedia Britannica, excellent condition. No longer needed. Husband knows everything.
▪ For sale to kind master. Full grown domesticated tigress goes for daily walk untied, and eats flesh from hand.
▪ Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
▪ Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
▪ Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross.
▪ Great Dames for sale.
▪ House to let. Furnished with period pieces from an unfortunate period.
▪ Illiterate? Write today for help.
▪ Low cost, single bedroom one-story riverside home for sale. Low contamination, quiet neighborhood with no children or animal life. Contact regional EPA department.
▪ Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
▪ Mother’s helper needed peasant working conditions.
▪ No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it repellent.
▪ Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
▪ Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
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I work in a business that uses words to communicate.
It also makes me interested in words that other writer use.
Maybe, because I write, I find humor in the words of others.
Sometimes, even without meaning to, some writers combine contradictory terms or ideas that when combined are what English teachers call an “oxymoron.”
Here are some you might find amusing:
Living dead; exact estimate; working vacation; diet ice cream; twelve-ounce pound cake; pretty ugly; definite maybe; tight slacks; political science, and computer security.
And check these out: terribly pleased; plastic glasses; computer jock; temporary tax increase; extinct life; peace force; clearly misunderstood; taped live; passive aggression; synthetic natural gas, and now, then…
We live in an age when things are childproof; parting is such sweet sorrow (Romeo and Juliet); there are “new classics” on the bookshelves; news anchors quote “military intelligence”; characters are called “butt head,” and we listen to “soft rock” music.
Stockbrokers talk about “business ethics,” and journalists describe a gathering as a “small crowd.”
You can order pork with “sweet sour” sauce at the restaurant, and motorists are charged with being “legally drunk.” People are discovered being “alone together” and you can take your garbage to a “sanitary landfill.”
Plans are announced by a “government organization” and some things amount to the “same difference.”
You can have “good grief” while you are eating “airline food.” You can get your “genuine imitation” ice cream while taking “advanced basic” training. Some people are described as a “resident alien” and others are “found missing.”
