Nobody can deny that men must maintain a certain image and protect their male integrity when in public.
Here are some helpful hints at observing the protocol of being a guy. Part of the list was sent to me by a reader who enjoys staying up nights surfing the Internet for behavioral oddities and other cultural idiosyncrasies.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, even in the downpours of recent weeks throughout the region.
Imagine if some fellow should walk up to you as you were putting up your black bumper shoot and exclaim: “Hey, may I share that umbrella with you, Old Boy?”
You’d likely be better off to say, “You take it. I don’t mind getting drenched.”
And here’s one. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.)
What about two men traveling together? On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
Guys must observe sports etiquette, always. Like when stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever!
And never ask to borrow another man’s soap, shampoo, deodorant, underwear, or jock strap in the clubhouse. Likewise, don’t offer to do another guy’s laundry—for any reason!
If a man’s zipper is down, take the attitude that it’s his problem—have complete obliviousness.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain gluttonous.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go longer than two TV beer commercials. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if necessary.
It is not considered polite to call on the widow of a deceased friend until approximately two and a half years. Anything sooner would certainly suggest that you cannot be trusted by your mates.
If you have known a guy for little more than a week, it is imperative that you not call on his sister, or his mother for that matter, until you have been invited to his house for dinner at least twice.
Never kiss the sister of one of your buddies until you have declared your intentions to her parents, and only then if she is willing.
Never cheat at Monopoly or try to trade Baltic Avenue to your pal’s granny for Park Place or any of the red, yellow, or green properties—unless you are willing to throw in a sizable sum of cash or all the four railroads.
When dining with a friend’s family, never grab the last pork chop on the platter unless no one else is looking. And don’t feed Bowser from your beer mug under the table until you have seen the aunts and uncles do it. Refrain from breaking wind at the table—always, even after the womenfolk have left the room.
You are forbidden to rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so that he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the intercom every seven minutes.
Always split aces when playing Blackjack. No arguments.
Oh, and never, never try to date two sisters of a friend at the same time. Such an attitude might suggest that you are the product of a family given to incest.
And if your roommate suddenly flops down on your bunk and asks for a foot massage, leave the fraternity house as quickly as possible
Case closed.
—
Top of the morning!