(LOOTPRESS) – In news that sounds like the setup to a very bad animal-themed action movie, a new survey has found that 1 in 50 men genuinely believe they could beat a racehorse in a 100-metre sprint. That’s right—actual, living, breathing racehorses. The kind that eat lightning, poop thunder, and clock speeds north of 64 km/h.
Meanwhile, the fastest human ever—Usain Bolt—topped out at a leisurely 44.7 km/h. So unless one of those 1-in-50s is secretly a Marvel superhero in joggers, we’ve got some questions.
But wait, the delusions gallop on.
The OnePoll survey revealed a whole zoo of misplaced confidence. Men were significantly more likely than women to think they could take on the animal kingdom and come out on top in a footrace. Some highlights from the fantasy league of wildlife sprinters:
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27% think they could outrun a crocodile. (Unclear if they factored in swamp terrain or death rolls.)
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20% think they could take an elephant. (In a race. Not in a duel. We hope.)
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11% think they could beat a house cat over 10 metres. (Let us remind you: cats are tiny, furry missiles.)
Even more wild? Nearly 30% of people admitted they’ve actually seen an animal in real life and thought, “Yeah, I could definitely outrun that.” A brave (read: chaotic) 11% have even tried—chasing dogs (61%), cats (26%), and goats (19%) in what we can only assume were highly undignified displays of overconfidence.
The Outcomes:
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60% lost.
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26% claimed victory (we have questions).
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14% settled for a draw, which we’re pretty sure just means they both got tired and gave up.
But Wait, There’s Muscle Delusion Too!
Apparently, the sprinting supremacy isn’t enough. A full 22% of adults said they believe they could lift a chimpanzee, even though the average adult chimp is basically a furry bodybuilder with a grudge and the bench press skills of a gym bro on pre-workout.
In fact, 72% of respondents agreed that men are more likely than women to think they could outperform animals at physical challenges.
You don’t say.
Top 15 Animals Brits Think They Could Beat in a 100-Metre Dash:
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Crocodile
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Elephant
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Hippopotamus
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Rabbit (??)
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Goat
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House cat (we wish)
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Swarm of bees (tbh, no one wins here)
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Mongoose
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Kangaroo
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Cheetah (the audacity)
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Ostrich
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Fox
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Deer
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Zebra
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Horse
If you’ve ever watched a cheetah sprint, seen a cat do zoomies, or witnessed a deer bolt across a road in 0.3 seconds, you might be shaking your head right now. And we are right there with you.
So next time you’re in the park and spot a squirrel darting up a tree—ask yourself: Could I take that squirrel in a race? And then answer honestly.
(Spoiler: No. No, you could not.) 🏃♂️🐎
