We got e-mails galore.
The last column sparked passion from a swarm of Bigfoot followers.
We got one e-mail from a supposed female Sasquatch via Concord University and an invitation to join a blog talk radio show.
Another electronic message sender says: “Wonderful article. Now you know, of course, that you saw Bigfoot. These creatures are out there, but like so many others in the world, they have yet to be fully studied and classified.
“I’m one of the amateur ‘thrill seekers’ you mention in your story. If I see one on my expedition, I hope I can keep my composure as well as you did!”
For those who have not read last week’s column, it is shamelessly sad.
Yet another request came from J. Durand of the BFRO Discussion Board:
“I am an investigator with BFRO, and I would like to extend to you an invitation to join us at our discussion. I think you would enjoy reading about some of our adventures and some of the possible evidence we have collected. If nothing else, maybe some of the debating will intrigue you.”
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All e-mails were stylishly polite, even the communiqué from an obviously well-informed would-be female Sasquatch who responded to the column from the Athens area.
Her memo reads in part:
“My dearest Mr. Blankenship,
“As I skimmed through the paper this morning (Friday), I was surprised to find an article about me; of course, people write about seeing me all the time, but their tales are never this graphic, and unfortunately never this false.
“I write to you today to hopefully set the record straight; to talk about the mystery of the “beast-like” man and tell the truth about your particular “sighting.”
“I start my story with the fact that light tends to give me migraines, so I am fond of taking peaceful strolls in the woods at night.
“During my walks I enjoy pondering Shakespearean poetry or listening to Beethoven on my Walkman, but I occasionally prefer the silence of the forest as I walk in the quiet of the night.
“Unfortunately for me, I sometimes come across campers like you, and situations sometimes get a little ‘hairy.’”
“In your case John, I was walking along one night when I noticed a tent. Because I am a camping fanatic, I was interested in the style and durability of your shelter, so it was no surprise that I stepped on a thorn since I was not paying attention to the path. I let out a yelp, and then another when I attempted to remove the barb.
“Suddenly I heard a zipper unzip, and out came someone with an extremely bright light. As I stated before, light (and pollen, by the way) tends to give me a headache, so I felt it necessary to take a shortcut through a dark thicket.
“Also, men sometimes frighten me—being fondled, whistled at, or cat-called to, is not my idea of chivalry.
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“So John, now that I have given a plausible reason for my visit to your picturesque campsite, I think it is time to point out some truths that were left out of your…insensitive facets of my presence.
“First of all, nearly every account given of me says ‘he-this’ or ‘he-that.’ Well, I must inform you that I am in fact a female, and fully intend on being addressed as such. After all, how would you expect a male to have the gorgeous locks of facial and body hair that I possess?
“Secondly, it also is extremely insensitive of my viewers to joke about the size of my feet. They might be a little large, too large perhaps for designer pumps, but much is to be said about a Sasquatch with big feet, if you know what I mean.
“Lastly, I would like to address your report of my so-called stench. Some of my fellow forest-dwellers are not as clean as I, so I could understand how an individual might assume that I am dirty, but coming from someone who has met me, I am appalled.
“So Mr. Blankenship, I should tell you that if you do not like the latest fragrance from Victoria’s Secret, then, feel free to take it up with the company.
“Yes, Sasquatches have needs too, and one of mine is the latest in body and hair care. So it should be no surprise to you that I am in touch with the latest trends, fads, and styles.
“Mr. Blankenship, I appreciate campers like you, and I am overjoyed to find people enjoying nature. I only wish that people knew the truth about me. After this letter, my hope is that all misconceptions will be cleared up once and for all.
Yours Truly,
Sasquatch
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Top o’ the morning!