“I want to tithe,” a man told his pastor.
“I want to give 10 percent of my income to my church. When my income was $50 a week, I gave $5 to the church every Sunday.
When I was successful in business and my weekly income rose to $500 a week, I gave $50 to my church every Sunday.
“But now my income has gone up to $5,000 a week, and I just cannot bring myself to give $500 to the church every week.”
The pastor said, “Why don’t we pray over this?”
The pastor began to pray, “Dear God, please make this man’s weekly income $500 a week so that he can tithe.”
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After the church service, a pastor told a woman, “I noticed that your husband walked out in the middle of my sermon. I hope I didn’t say something that offended him.”
“Not at all,” replied the wife. “My husband has been walking in his sleep for years.”
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A preacher’s car broke down on a country road, far away from everything but a small tavern. When he walked inside to use the phone, he saw his old friend Hank, shabbily dressed and drunk, sitting at the bar.
“Hank, what happened?” the preacher asked. “You used to be a prosperous man.”
Hank told him about all the problems he had had and the bad investments he had made, and asked the pastor’s advice.
“Go home,” the preacher said. “And when you get there, open your Bible, and put your finger down on the page. God will give you the answer.”
About a year later, the preacher saw Hank wearing an expensive new suit and getting into a new Mercedes. “I’m glad to see that things turned around for you,” the preacher said.
“They sure have, and I owe it all to you, pastor,” Hank said. “I went home, like you said, opened the Bible, put my finger down on the page, and there was the answer: Chapter 11.”
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After the birth of his child, an Episcopalian priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and a kiss when he left.
Later, the wife’s roommate commented: “Gee, your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.”
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Ministerial pride: altar ego.
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A pastor’s wife caught three small boys stealing cherries from her cherry tree. “Do you know what the Bible says about thieves?” she asked furiously.
“Sure, ma’am,” one boy answered. “Today thou shalt be with me in paradise.”
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A lady approached the clerk in a hardware store and ordered one box of spiders and a box of cockroaches. When the clerk asked the lady why she wanted them, the lady answered: “I am the pastor’s wife from the church down the street, and they told us when we left, leave the parsonage exactly as we found it.”
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On an African safari, a missionary asked the guide if it were true that a jungle animal will not attack you if you are carrying a torch.
“Well,” the guide responded thoughtfully, “it depends on how fast you are carrying the torch.”
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When a church seeks a pastor, they want the strength of an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a dove, the friendliness of a sparrow, and night hours of an owl.
And when they catch him, they expect the pastor to live on the food of a canary.
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A young man was asked to preach at a camp meeting just before the Sunday morning service. As hundreds of people began gathering on the grounds, the young preacher panicked and ran into the bishop’s tent.
“What shall I do, bishop?” he implored. “They’ve asked me to preach, but I don’t have any sermon.”
“Trust the Lord, young man,” the bishop advised with great dignity. “Just trust the Lord.” Then, the bishop marched out of his tent.
Frustrated, the young man picked up the bishop’s Bible and flipped through it, hoping to find an inspiring verse. Instead, he found some typewritten sermon notes he liked very much and went to the service.
The young preacher amazed everyone with his sermon, and the people crowded around him after the service.
Suddenly, the bishop pushed his way through the crowd.
“Young man,” the bishop bellowed. “You preached the sermon I was going to preach tonight! Now, what am I going to do?”
“Trust the Lord, Bishop,” the young man replied. “Just trust the Lord.”
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Top o’ the morning!