A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
“All right, son,” asked the father, “what does that show you?”
“Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.”
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Strange Words
When I was a boy, I developed a love for words and the way folks used them.
Whether it was at the supper table or the local barber shop, a favorite topic of conversation was popular usage, especially the way common words were turned into regional malapropisms: the ludicrous misuse of words that sound alike.
The term “malapropism” was coined after Sheridan’s play The Rivals, 1775, in which the character of Mrs. Malaprop constantly misused words in a humorous fashion, such as in “making a parsing reverence to allegories sunning themselves on the banks of the Nile.”
You get the drift.
Further, famous people are far from immune to making mistakes. Unfortunately for them, unlike us, when they come out with a hilarious slip of the tongue it is often recorded for posterity. Here are some celebrity malapropisms—from politicians, TV stars, and sports personalities:
It is beyond my apprehension—Danny Ozark, baseball team manager.
This is unparalyzed in the state’s history—Gib Lewis, a former Texas Speaker of the House.
Marie Scott…has really plummeted to the top—Alan Weeks.
The police are not here to create disorder, they’re here to preserve disorder—Richard Daley, former Chicago mayor.
He was a man of great statue—Thomas Menino, former Boston mayor.
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child—Dan Quayle, a former U.S. vice president.
Well, that was a cliff-dweller—Wes Westrum, about a close baseball game.
Here are some medical malapropisms and mispronunciations and other strange things:
He has them “athletic fits” and quit taking his “peanut butterballs.” (Phenobarbital)
Could you look at this and tell me if it’s poison ivory?
Be sure to give me the real thing, I don’t want any “gin-tonic” brand.
Pregnant patient: “I’m having contraptions.”
While a nurse was moving an elderly patient into an exam room, the nurse asked the patient why she had come to the doctor and what some of her symptoms were. Her reply was: “That’s for him to find out: he’s the doctor, what do you think I’m paying him for?”
A mother said her child had already had the whole “evacuation” at the Child Development Center.
“My son has an ‘upperatory rest infection.’”
“He may have drunk a whole bottle of ‘Fema bottle-top.’” (Phenobarbital)
Triage nurse: “Have you had a productive cough for more than three weeks?” Patient: “Well, I’m illiterate, so it’s hard for me to say.”
A woman coming in for a routine blood pressure check asked, “So next time I need my castor oil level checked, right?” (Cholesterol)
Mom: “I thought he might have infectious ‘JUNK-O-VITIS,’ but he didn’t have any junk coming out of his eyes.”
RN: Do you take any medications? PT: Yes, I take a blood thinker. RN: So you have a heart condition? PT: Yes, I have a “space maker.”
Another patient: I’ve got gouge. (Gout)
And another patient: I have slurred vision.
Report from a nursing home RN: “The patient is severely demeniated.” (Demented)
An elderly man in bed in the hospital (with a urinal in place, beneath his gown) said to his wife, “I need to wiz.” And she replied, “Go ahead, you’ve got your giggle in a jug.”
“I’ve been vomiting stuff that tastes like when you eat earwax.”
“When I burp, bowel comes up.” (Bile)
“I have a hydra hernia.” (Hiatal hernia)
“I have had barnacle pneumonia.”
“He has Sick-as-hell-anemia.” (Sickle cell anemia)
“She suffers from elipepsy.” (Epilepsy)
“He’s been vomiking all night.”
Patient states she put cotton balls in her ears to make her sinuses drain.
“Something feels stuck in my sockafus.” (Esophagus)
“He was a tubicle baby.” (Tubal pregnancy)
MD: Do you drink alcohol? PT: I drink a little on weekends.
MD: What’s a little, a six-pack? PT: You mean BEER too?…Well, I drink a case a day. MD: Then what’s your “little” on the weekends?
PT: A case to a case and a half plus a fifth of hard liquor each day.
MD: THAT’S a LITTLE!?
PT: Well, my friends drink a lot.
—
To your health
Others think alcohol is good for you. My uncle Albert proved it. He drank two fifths of Irish whiskey every day of his life and lived to the age of one hundred and three. I was at the cremation, that fire would not go out.
—
Heavy dieting…
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days, I lost two weeks.
—
Good and bad news…
Patient: I’m in the hospital? Why am I here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well, the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible. What is the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a good offer on your shoes.
—
No children, please…
Little girl to her friend: “I’m never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download.”
—
Don’t forget to put out the cat…
A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. The taxi arrived, the couple walked out of the house, the cat shot back in. So the husband went back inside to chase it out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, “Sorry, I took so long; the stupid thing was hiding under the bed, and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out.”
—
Babysitter…
A young man agreed to babysit one night, so the parents could have an evening out. At bedtime, he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed.
At 9 p.m. the doorbell rang. It was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. “No,” the young man replied.
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, “I’m here, Mom, but he won’t let me go home.”
—
Invisible man…
Nurse: Doctor, there’s an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now. Next.
—
Old crows…
It was late September along the New River near Hinton a couple of years ago. Two motorists had stopped beside the road to eat lunch. The crows were especially noisy, prompting a discussion as to whether the “caws,” which varied so in tone, constituted a language.
“Sure, they talk,” said the farmer. “Just talked to one.”
“You mean to say you talk crow talk with them?”
“Nope, crow spoke English. He flapped down onto a branch o’ that elm over there and asked ‘Cawn’?”
I looked up at him and said, “Nope—beans!”
“Aw,” he said, and off he flew.
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Top o’ the morning!